The Pursuit of Happiness

No fuss, no esoteric theories. Only a rational point of view.

Great news. It took me quite some time to figure it out, but I finally found what makes life worth living for. Don’t get me wrong here: I never for one second questioned if life is worth it, but I spent a lot of time reading and questioning myself about the actual reasons. If the pursuit to happiness is the key, then how do we pursue it? What are the components?

I read dozens of books on the subject, listened to podcasts, travelled and exchanged with people from different cultures and horizons. I distilled a near-death experience, I saw a human life begin and I saw another one end. Here’s the first disclaimer: These experiences were eye opening, but they do not make me a professional on the subject matter. I am merely a guy sharing his thoughts on an ever-redefining quest.  
 
Another disclaimer: I will not diverge and explore eluding, mystifying hypothesis. Views, may they be religious or from other sources, are within each person and I see them as tools to help one progress. They are means to an end. If your beliefs help you evolve in a positive way, challenging the thoughts is pointless.
 
…and a last one: I do believe that it’s merely impossible to find lasting happiness and find your life’s purpose when your basic needs are not met. By basic needs, I’m referring to Maslow’s first 2 steps, them being physiological needs (food, water, warmth) and safety needs (security). I have the great luck of not being deprived of these so it’s hard for me to estimate how difficult such situation can be. I think you can’t focus on your life purpose when you are in a survival mode. You can hope, you can dream, you can temporarily project yourself in better environments, but the reality of things makes you a survivor of the present moment more than anything else. Again, I don’t know, and these are only thoughts.
 
I will try here to summarize in a plain, direct, rational way something that can be studied and explored for a lifetime (and, when you think about it, it’s been questioned during the last +5,000 years). Not a small task, thus it will surely be incomplete. Please feel free to make the most of it and to adapt it to your life. I also think that these key points are a work in progress. We may not have everything now. We may not know the answer to all the questions. Truth is, there are moments of our life when we may actually not be happy. The good part happiness thought is that it’s an evolving thing and it can be modelled and build over time. Not being happy at a moment is not important as long as we keep on progressing, one small step at a time.
 
Without further due, I now present to you the ingredients to a fulfilled life. 

Step 1: Meaningful Relationships

A Harvard study lasting over 80 years (one of the world’s longest study of adult life) pointed out that the primary key metric to consider when searching for happiness is having meaningful relationships. This factor was proven to be preponderant to IQ, social class and even genes.
 
I find that through the links and connexions that we forge over time with one another, we develop our feel of care and empathy, our social support net and our sense of belonging (belonging with people who resemble to our inner, deeper, real self (with our values, our principles, our qualities and our flaws)). The best part when the relationship really is meaningful is that this goes both ways. Not only do we care and love, but we are also cared for and loved as we are.
 
Through love, we can not only overcome social isolation, but we can tighten the social bonds that make us stronger. Loneliness is a silent killer and is one of society’s greater threat. That is why family, friendships and loving relationships are to be valued at the highest level. Of course, it’s not always happy and merry, but positive, meaningful relationships nonetheless constitute an important part of the bricks and mortar needed to build a happy life.

Step 2: Well Lived Emotions and Moments

Having the right mind set at the right moment changes everything. Being connected to our feelings enables us to remove a protective layer and to absorb experiences fully. I for one am very open and willing to fully live positive emotions and seize every moment, but I struggle quite a bit more with the negative ones. This defense mechanism is like the reflex of automatically stopping a leg movement when your knee has been injured. You don’t really know if your knee will hurt again, but your brain blocks the motion before confirming. Emotions are the same. And they too need physiotherapy and rehabilitation.
 
In our busy life, we tend to over-complicate situations. Simplifying our life allows for the mindset to be at the right place and at the right time. Once that is aligned, we are to appreciate and absorb everything we can get out of a feeling. Getting to the root of an emotion enables us to mold it into this positive force that will make us grow.
 
I am also combining emotions and moments in the same category because they are intrinsically related. A moment well lived will trigger the right emotions, and that will create opportunities for what really matters: Lasting memories and the nurturing of happiness. As said in a classic movie from the 2000’: “I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it's not some place you can look for. Because it's not where you go. It's how you feel for a moment in your life when you're a part of something. And if you find that moment... It lasts forever.”

Step 3: Sense of Purpose, of Meaning (the Why)

This category is broad and can cover many facets of life. Finding one’s meaning can easily seem like a very daunting thing. Where do we even start? What really is important? Your legacy? Your personal success? Your comfort? Your fulfillment? Your self-esteem? Your sense of belonging? A life well lived? Your transcendence?  To make it even more of a moving target, these higher goals change over time and over experiences lived. So, where to start?
 
In the brilliant book by Viktor E. Frankl Man Search for Meaning, this psychiatrist that lived through the concentration camps of WW2 questions why some people keep the will to live even though they are experiencing the most inhuman conditions imaginable. Some of the avenues he explores include hopes for better days, holding on to the idea that your family is safe and alive and the will to survive being stronger than anything else. If someone living through the most degrading and sadistic conditions can find the will to survive, I think we may not have all identified our own reasons, but it’s clear that they exist.
 
I don’t think you need children to have a sense of purpose, but for many people, it very clearly provides a reason to strive and to keep looking for happiness. A mistake here would be to take the approach of thinking: Oh, I wanted to have kids but didn’t so I can’t be truly happy. You can still find yourself when others don’t. You can still make a difference (if it’s what you strive for). You can still be comfortable. You can still……. See the point?
 
Finding happiness is a work in progress. It’s a never-ending quest. But what if you don’t know that actual aim? It’s easy to feel uncomfortable when we don’t know what our life purpose is, but this guilt adds weight on our shoulders instead of helping to elevate ourselves.
Self-doubt blurs our image and prevent us from focusing on what really matters. We want the answer now and we want it to be clear, but it’s not how it works. It’s a lifetime of work to find self-actualization. As put by Tony Robbins though: ‘We always overestimate what we can do in a year and under estimate what we can achieve in 10 years’. Identifying the broad direction of the ship seems like a logical first step. The waves, the wind, the tides, the stars, the crew, the visibility, the vision, the direction will change – and it’s okay. Just remember Henley’s poem: ‘I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul’.

Step 4: Being Grateful

The fourth and final ingredient to life’s purpose if being grateful. Appreciating life, in it’s difficulty and it’s beauty is a key component of being happy. Every single person I know has opportunities that others are wishing – or praying – for everyday. A perfect life only materializes in delusions created by false impressions and social media. Everyone is fighting battles. Period, end of the story. Appreciating the little things of life in their simplicity makes all the difference. It also makes you stronger for the rainy days.
 
I, like everyone else, have to remind myself of these components because it’s easy to get stuck in the turmoil of life and it’s easy to forget that we are actually brush stroking a bigger, broader painting. This painting will be imperfect, sure, but it’s what will make it unique and beautiful.
 
Just like training for a sport: You don’t see material change every time you practice, but through motivation, hard work, persistence, resilience, and over time, you can achieve greatness. Not by a medal for you to brag about, but rather greatness through self-actualization and life appreciation. THAT is the real pursuit of happiness.
 
 
 
https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0163978/?ref_=tt_ch
https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man%27s_Search_for_Meaning
https://www.inc.com/john-rampton/20-life-changing-quotes-by-tony-robbins.html
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/51642/invictus
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